Want to be a better parent? Give up control!

Parenting is tough. I have 5 wonderful kids, and I’m starting to get a feel for what good parenting might look like. Not to be too blunt about it but children start out as little dictators. They have one goal – make the world satisfy their needs. A parent’s job is to socialize the little guys so they can become good members of their communities.

GOOD MEMBER OF COMMUNITY We can not all continue to act with childishly pure selfishness if we are going to live together. If you live alone on a desert island, it does not bother me one bit if you choose to drive down the middle of the road. If you live with others, please stay on the correct side. Every community has accepted standards of behavior, some enforced as laws, others just understood as common decency. Superlative behavior exhibits virtues above the minimums of legality and common decency. Higher standards are advocated by many groups from Scouting to fraternal organizations to religions to many more. When more people live to higher standards the quality of life in a community is improved.

SOCIALIZING A CHILD This is the hard part. To begin with we must give up the concept of controlling the behavior of a child. It can not be done. We have a great ability and responsibility to influence our children, but control is not available. As soon as a child can start to reason she starts to make choices. As parents we have the ability to influence those choices. We want our children to make good choices. Good choices lead to good behavior. Trying to control behavior by denying choice is disrespectful and ultimately ineffective. The choice is always there. That’s reality.

Also, keep in mind your influence is limited. Each child has a unique set of gifts that will have much to do with how they will live their lives. Each child has a unique position in the sibling birth order. Each child will be socialized by others; teachers, peers, television, internet, etc. We do have the power to limit some of the other influences, particularly for younger children. Exercise that power.

Another problem with influencing choices is we don’t get to see the choice, we see the behavior. One way around this is to discuss the choices with your child. When possible give her options that she may not see.

Choices have consequences. All adults know that (although we may occasionally live in denial). Connecting choices with logical consequences is what parents can give their kids. You give positive reinforcement for good behavior and negative for undesirable behavior. Giving in to a child pitching a fit tells her pitching a fit works. Guaranteed to get you more tantrums. Praise for the small good behaviors will also bring more of that.
It takes a lot of focus and a lot of self discipline to steadily reward the good and discourage the bad. I find it challenging. I also have noticed that it is hardest at first and gets easier as the kids start to adjust their behaviors to get the positive and avoid the negative.

Perfect Parenting Made Easy

Anyone who had a perfect childhood please raise your hand. You are excused from this reading.

A wise man once said there are only two perfect families in America but they haven’t been found yet. It’s really hard to be a good parent, impossible to be a perfect parent. We can’t even agree on how to do it much less do it.

THEORY CONFUSION The currently accepted theories tend to move the state of the art of child rearing in the same general direction but there is no consensus on the details. Is it okay to spank? Do time-outs give the right message? Are appropriate consequences effective? When is the right bedtime? Do you give incentives for grades? Do you let your kids eat what they want? There are so many theories, do you pick one and stick with it or do you take the appealing parts from several? Maybe the wide choice of authorities makes you think none is really right, so you just do what feels right.

SOLUTION: There are many right ways to parent.  Don’t get hung up worrying about which right way.

APPLICATION CHALLENGE  Even if you are a true believer in a certain approach to child rearing and you’ve read every book on the subject, been to umpteen seminars, and review your notes every week, you still have the problem of applying the rules perfectly. Good luck! If you are omniscient and can time travel, it would be less challenging. John says Tom hit him in the head with a brick, and Tom says John fell off the slide. Your teenage ballerina is restricting her eating to keep her thinness for a series of performances that may get her the full ride scholarship to the school of her dreams. Your junior school child is hanging out with the wrong crowd.

SOLUTION: Do the best you can. That is hard enough.  If you are fortunate enough to believe in God, trust God to work it all out in the long run.

Perfect parenting is a fantasy held by people who haven’t raised kids. It’s also a dangerous dream on two counts. 1) If you think there is a perfect way you may not be willing to realize how complicated and difficult the job is. You might look for simple rigid answers. 2) You will go crazy expecting your kids to be perfect. It’s not going to happen. Good kids are possible. Perfect kids are not.

So, it’s easy.  Just give up on being perfect.