Want to be a better parent? Give up control!

Parenting is tough. I have 5 wonderful kids, and I’m starting to get a feel for what good parenting might look like. Not to be too blunt about it but children start out as little dictators. They have one goal – make the world satisfy their needs. A parent’s job is to socialize the little guys so they can become good members of their communities.

GOOD MEMBER OF COMMUNITY We can not all continue to act with childishly pure selfishness if we are going to live together. If you live alone on a desert island, it does not bother me one bit if you choose to drive down the middle of the road. If you live with others, please stay on the correct side. Every community has accepted standards of behavior, some enforced as laws, others just understood as common decency. Superlative behavior exhibits virtues above the minimums of legality and common decency. Higher standards are advocated by many groups from Scouting to fraternal organizations to religions to many more. When more people live to higher standards the quality of life in a community is improved.

SOCIALIZING A CHILD This is the hard part. To begin with we must give up the concept of controlling the behavior of a child. It can not be done. We have a great ability and responsibility to influence our children, but control is not available. As soon as a child can start to reason she starts to make choices. As parents we have the ability to influence those choices. We want our children to make good choices. Good choices lead to good behavior. Trying to control behavior by denying choice is disrespectful and ultimately ineffective. The choice is always there. That’s reality.

Also, keep in mind your influence is limited. Each child has a unique set of gifts that will have much to do with how they will live their lives. Each child has a unique position in the sibling birth order. Each child will be socialized by others; teachers, peers, television, internet, etc. We do have the power to limit some of the other influences, particularly for younger children. Exercise that power.

Another problem with influencing choices is we don’t get to see the choice, we see the behavior. One way around this is to discuss the choices with your child. When possible give her options that she may not see.

Choices have consequences. All adults know that (although we may occasionally live in denial). Connecting choices with logical consequences is what parents can give their kids. You give positive reinforcement for good behavior and negative for undesirable behavior. Giving in to a child pitching a fit tells her pitching a fit works. Guaranteed to get you more tantrums. Praise for the small good behaviors will also bring more of that.
It takes a lot of focus and a lot of self discipline to steadily reward the good and discourage the bad. I find it challenging. I also have noticed that it is hardest at first and gets easier as the kids start to adjust their behaviors to get the positive and avoid the negative.

Ends or Means: What’s the Right Goal?

Which is more important what we want or how we proceed to get it? Judging by the way most folks act I’d have to say that they think the ends are more important. Makes sense to me.

We learn it young. Watch kids. A willful 2 year is without much natural restraint about how he goes about getting he wants, usually something or someone to do something for him. Yelling and screaming, if rewarded by a caregiver, can become a standard mode of operating, especially in public places. He will gladly take advantage of a parent’s embarrassment to get his way.

Parents teach their kids about what are acceptable means. Lying, cheating, stealing, etc are not the right ways. Some kids get it better than others. Yet the focus of the child is still the end, just with limits to the means to get it.

As adults most folks still think the same way. We want things and we figure out how to get them. I don’t think of us really spend much time thinking why we want these or even if it makes sense to obtain them. Everyone seems to desire more money and more possessions. I presume they think those things will make them happier. But are rich people happier than those with less money? Not generally.

We are goal oriented, and we are accustomed to wanting things or people. What if we alter our goal orientation to the means instead the ends? That’s hard to imagine, but it can be done. It’s called virtuous living, and it is what religion teaches us . I’m not aware of any world religion that preaches the virtue of materialism or manipulation. They teach us how to act properly and that virtuous behavior will be rewarded.  I believe virtuous behaviour is rewarded.

The hard part is it’s challenging to stop thinking like a 2 year old. Our modern world makes it particularly difficult. There is very little money to be made on your good behavior, but there are literally billions of dollars to be made selling goods and services. Advertising tries to get us to adopt a product or service as a worthy goal for our lives. And advertising works. Practically everyone wants a nice car, a big home, and a vacation on a beautiful beach.  How many people spend much time thinking about they could be more honest, not appearing more honest but being more honest even if no one else knows about it?

Maybe as people get older they start to realize the false promise of advertising and start to shift their focus to the rewards of good behavior.  Wouldn’t it be great if we could stop acting like kids when we turn 3 instead of 70.  How do we teach our kids that good behaviour can lead to happiness better than that new toy?  Tough job.

Escape the Drama Triangle trap

Ever heard of the Drama Triangle? Stephen Karpman thought it up nearly 4 decades ago. It describes how we get caught in pattern of changing roles when relating to people. Imagine a triangle with the roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer at each corner. The rules of this unfortunately real game is that we start at one corner and move around the Triangle changing roles as we relate to others.

Example: After a long day at work your spouse is having trouble managing the cooking of your birthday dinner. As Rescuer you volunteer to help. Your spouse burns a finger in spagetti water and leaves to nurse it. You, now feeling like the Victim, are left to cook the meal. You start wondering why your spouse hasn’t returned to help. As time passes you get angry about having to cook your own birthday dinner. When your spouse finally returns you, the Persecutor, snap in an ugly tone, “It’s about time.” Now your spouse is feeling the Victim of both the burn and your scalding jab and feels justified Persecuting you with, “I don’t care about your stupid birthday anyway.” An escalation to nuclear war over cooking a meal. Wow!

I find myself assuming one of these roles and moving around the Triangle all the time. It’s scary. The first step to escaping is realizing I’m in the Triangle.

There are lots of schemes that have been devised to escape the Triangle that can be found on the web. Basically we have to define a new response and a new role that isn’t part of the Triangle pattern. I find the victim role the most dangerous place to be in the Triangle. It seems like seeing one’s self as a victim sets up rationalizing bad behavior. Without the justification for persecution self restraint is a lot easier.

None of the Triangle’s roles are healthy. Even the high minded Rescuer tends tpward co-dependenccy. It’s a challenge to define and live with healthy roles and appropriate responses.
What are your ideas about escaping he Triangle?

Who are you working on?

I could spend all day analyzing other people. It’s easy and it’s fun. I get to be critical and that makes me feel better about myself. I can even get together with friends and talk about people we know who are not present. Rarely is admiration the feeling that is expressed about others. Sounds sick doesn’t it, but it’s the way we all operate.

It’s a heck of a lot easier than analyzing myself . A few minutes of honest self evaluation and I’m ready to move on to something more comfortable. Other than a few maniacs I’ve never met anyone who says they don’t want to change something about themselves. On the other hand I’ve met very few people who make the effort to learn about themselves enough to make significant changes.

If you want to tune an engine, you’ve got to know how it works. Why don’t we know more about how we work? For me there are 2 fundamental reasons: habit and fear.

HABIT We grow up observing our world and trying to fit into it. As infants we are aware of the world before we are even aware that we exist in it. Our senses dominate our thinking, and our senses are all about what is happening outside of us. We focus on figuring out the world around us and making it work to our benefit. When I observe my 3 year old I don’t see much difference in approach to life than the 40 year old in the office next door. There is just more sophistication in the older one.

FEAR Fear is the most powerful motivator in most people’s lives. Fear can be subtle or intense. Fear can create appropriate responses to real danger or it can create anxiety about things that will never happen. Fear is occasionally a blessing but most often a curse. Without it you probably would not be alive to read this; with it life can sometimes be miserable.

I’m not in the habit of looking inward and trying to figure out what makes me tick. I’m doing better at it because I know it will help me. Fear holds me back. I’m afraid of what I will find, that part of what I see will be incompatible with my self image and unlovable.

I’m working to both overcome my habit and suppress the unjustified fear. That’s progress at least.